There is a hidden flower in there.
it grows beside a lonely oasis next to a secret pond.
It's the only place in me I can go to rest and cry.
For it's the vulnerable core,
the heart of my heart.

Yet even that seems to die from time to time,
the last petal falling from the flower to be submerged in grief again,
transforming each lost love into an aching memory.

I wish I could have just loved you, dropped all my defenses and loved.
My desire for you was insatiable, my emotion flowing like never before,
but I had to hide it just to live.  I never wanted to manipulate your heart with my fears.

There was so much hope in your eyes the day we met.
I read all your love letters again, and it's so hard to let go of us,
to failed at loving you.  You deserved so much more.
i ruined things by being old to your youth, being cold to your warmth.

Always eager to charge into stormy relationships,
I'm driven to love intensely, like a moth and its flame.
How could I have hoped someone could withstand my selfish fury?

Only the most dramatic, profound love is ever enough.
Yet each time I steer clear of the flame,
afraid I won't survive the burning change.

How else can I avoid the pain of commitment,
And yet I charmed you in further where I betrayed your heart.
Why could I not share an equal measure of love with you?

Maybe I'm made for short bursts of relating interwoven with my solitude?
Will I always be driven by uncontrollable desire?
Couldn't I just let go and give you enough space to care for me?

My dark heart feels tragically inclined, full of seething
undercurrents ready to erupt any moment.
I quell the storms with words and humor,
but lava flows in my hidden recesses.

How can you blame me though?  It was so unsafe to expose my feelings as a child.
I'm fated to embody and transform the deeply rooted instinctual feelings in us all.
They tried to socialize this out of me, but it couldn't be done.

For these black wells are ever full.

So I live on in frustration, afraid of emotional invasion.
I distrusted your motives for loving me even as I kissed your glistening lips.
You ask me to believe, to let go of the pain of past love lost and wounds endured.
But I'm still so afraid to open my heart, like a shivering child who can't stop crying.

This is the price I pay for a heart with openings to the underworld.
it's never tranquil or satisfied in love.
And it's hungers are driven by the dreams of Hades,
even if I stand cloaked in a body of Zeus,
and express all that's within like light-hearted Hermes.

In return for this heartache madness my inner world is vivid
colorful, and overflowing with passion united with imagination.
I can squeeze rivers of wealth and insight out of ordinary experience.
But still I regret that I couldn't love you in the way you needed to be loved.

My visions run deep, down to forgotten buried treasures and
memories of other ages; but what am I in the end
if I cannot open myself to love?

I never meant to hurt you.
Please, forgive me, as I inch toward change...